a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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