i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
