Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
