the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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