worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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