Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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