id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
