Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
