omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
