if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
