last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
