the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
