I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
