just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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