theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
