I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
