I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
