I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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