I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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