I need to stop coming to work sober
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
