im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We left the knife in your bed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
