ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
