Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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