I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
