I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
