I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
