Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
