She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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