I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
