I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
