I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
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Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst