she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.