I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
