We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
