Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
