so that wasnt chicken after all
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
