dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
