How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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