If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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