just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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