"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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