Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
