My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
