i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
