Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
