i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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