you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
