Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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