I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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