You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
