Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
