maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
