In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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