oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
