I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just gargled with NyQuil
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
