my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
