A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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