He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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