I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
