New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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