Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
