3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Randomize
