Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
