I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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